Charlie Mae .......a sweataholic....for james....

sweat
sweet
sweat
sweet
sweating sweetly

sweat is apparent
on temples
on lower backs
blending
sweet
sweat
sweat him
no
sweet on him
called too many times
answered too many times
silence
is the soundtrack
touch is the trouble
wraps your mind up
smiling to yourself....
is he enough
are you too much
searching for just enough......
a whisper behind your ear

waiting...

Charlie Mae waits, it has been two hours. she continues to cross her legs, every time she thinks about her james, armpits over his back, legs wrapped around his waist, eyes closed, when she snaps back into reality, she sighs, and anger ensues. She looks at the payphone in the corner, a war begins in her mind, call him, dont call him, you need that, naw you need to call him and cuss him, she taps on the bar, the bartender steadily cheesing in her face, he fills her drink, and she suddenly begins to drink faster. "i am losing my cool", soft smile, eyes full of sadness, these are the second words she has spoke to him, other than "jack straight up". Mr. Bartender notices the gap in between her front teeth, "damn you beautiful girl", charlie mae stares, until he walks away. she gets out of her seat, and walks to the jukebox, howling wolf "moaning for my baby", she sits back down, and stares in the mirror behind the bar, the tears start, and she doesnt wipe them away, her heart is a beast, that overtakes her, it begins a storm, she puts her head down, laying on her arms, deep sighs...."you okay sugar", she moans "nooooooooooo, and buries her head in her own arms. pull it together honey, wish good thoughts, she sits up, neck straight, (mantra) i will not be affected, lights a cigarette, pays the bartender, walks out, and switches down the street, switching to the horn blowing, and catcalls from the streets......

the bar....

Charlie mae waits, she smokes cigarette after cigarette slowy, pulling a mirror out each time to reapply her lipstick. looking in her mirror, she looks over the bar behind her a man holds his glass to his temple, crying, and singing along to a imaginary song, down the bar a couple argue, whispering loudly, she recognizes the wildness in the woman's eyes as she sips her drink , he is clearly under her spell. charlie mae sees it. see, she was born with a veil over her face, that gave her seeing powers. the woman slams her drink on the table, mutters something evil, causing the man to get up and storm out. the woman continues to sit, not loosing her stare, her eyes follow his back out the door, she finishes her drink, and leans back in her seat. muttering muthafucking gemini's...minutes later...the guy walks back in, sits back down. he looks over at charlie mae, she sucks her teeth. the woman gently grabs his hand, and mouths i love you....alcohol love yall....he looks around to make sure no one sees his softness, he melts into her hands, rubbing them all over his face, they get up and leave. Charlie mae smiles, where is her james? he has kept her waiting for over two hours..........

hot mouth...

hot mouth
painted maroon
red finger nail polish
perfectly coiffed black hair
smiling over a glass full of brown magic
black lined eyes
small sweat beads at her temple
gap between her two front teeth
switchblade glowing in her pocket book
teal green dress
yellow roses pinned to the left side of her hair
legs crossed
black high heeled shoes
looking at the clock
the bartender preparing drinks
keeps glancing at Charlie Mae...
he figures she might purrr instead of speaking words....

excerpt from Cheshire...

humming to myself
certain songs are on repeat
in my head
smirking
walking through streets
watching myself from above:
i would poke myself
to stop the frowning
guide my chin up to the sun
let it cure you
push air into you
to breathe
when you need to speak
those words
that mean so much to you
hold your arms down
no fisticuffs anymore
send wind to blow out that match

memory...

it isn't a mystery
that i travel
(The power of retaining and recalling past experience)
i find myself staring at a little girl at a picnic, penny colored, tight cornrows, there is music blasting, plastic cups,
her mother pulls her out her seat, urging her to dance, pulling her small elbow, she resist, more people join in, "c'mon girl, show us what you got,
she runs away to a corner, the dancing continues, loud laughter
moments later, when she realizes no one is looking, but i am...
she begins her own two step, smiling to herself, in her own world.
i realize thats how i function.
spotlight too much for me at times
that's why i write...
i smile so hard, that i have to stop myself, before she gets nervous,lol,
find your own pace,
the joy you experience, there is no words for it
and someone will be watching your grace.....

rapture...

I open my eys, and i see the back of my fathers head, the dan ryan expressway is stretching ahead of us, in a 79 buick. i arch my neck, and notice how my father only drives with one hand, he is the coolest. I can feel the warmth of my brothers arms on each side of me, as usual i am in the middle. My mother is smoking a cigarette, blowing smoke out of the cracked window. the spring air flows into the car, twilight sun. Anita baker is playing on the radio, "SWEEEETTTT LOOOVVVVEEEE", I feel the heaviness in my eyelids, but i want to sing....sweeettt loooveeeeee, my mom laughs from the front seat , flicking the ash, my brother on the right covers his ears. my father turns up the volume, with his free hand, and begins to hum with me. "HEAR ME CAALLLING OUT YOUR NAME....i close my eyes and sway to the beat, the way i have seen my mother do. "Sing baby", my mom turning around looking at me, i open my eyes and see her smiling, i sing louder. "So swweet, Soo sweeeeeeet, no sweeter love, no sweeter, ah nooo no no", my voice rings throughout the car, my brother on the left is still asleep,not bothered at all. the song ends, my parents clap, brother on the right sighs. i hang over the seat, and put my small hands in my mothers hair, big black curls. "its like a lions mane mom", "growl", i keep my hands in her hair, feeling her warm scalp, smelling like pink oil moistuirzer,saying a silent prayer that i am as beautiful when i grow up. Sitting back, i rest my head on my sleeping brothers tiny shoulder, and drift off to sleep. We arrive home, i am being carried to the house, one eye open, my brothers see this production , one of them reassures my dad, "she aint sleep". my father adjusting my weight in his arms, i say "yes i am daddy", pouty mouth...lol....i found a safety in my fathers arms, that has stayed with me for this life that i dont ever want to let go of...

excerpt from Cheshire...

retribution
for these blue nights
silent mornings
this hole fluciates
flowing dark water
dried up bark

egyptian eyed girl...

egyptian eyed girl, with freckles, soft black hair, pale glossed lips, smoking, always smiling,six feet tall, cancer woman, first born, first daughter child, started working by nine, always big sister, big sister fluent in french, honor soceity, Learning was natural, love was the debaucle.

saturn year...

some telling
a story of me
laughs over glasses full of spirits
warnings
while
i sit in my own hell
crying on my birthday
sitting on concrete steps
sending a s.o.s into technology
to the air
needed
someone
countless pints
empty cigarette packs
a slumber of liquid epiphany's
i let it in
that something
sent me to a spiral staircase
leading to madness
a little girl
lopsided ponytails
bernstein bears book
thin as paper
a girl
eyes welled up
glass tears stuck to her face
holding tight to a journal
a woman
weapons:
a cigarette and a bottle of alcohol
mouth glossy
holding the little girls hands
a woman
wild hair
holding her heart in her hands
"please love"
a woman
holding her womb
three stripes across it
a passport
a woman
violent
breathing heavy,
own hair held tightly in her fists
that last step
i look up
at the cracked sky
feel the wings tearing through my skin
fire
eyes covered in soot
feathers simmering